


Entry #129 (Kuroo x Reader)

by kuroolongtea



Category: Haikyuu!!, ハイパープロジェクション演劇「ハイキュー!!」| Hyper Projection Play "Haikyuu!!" RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Romance, Break Up, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Light Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, Romance, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27700910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuroolongtea/pseuds/kuroolongtea
Summary: A first-hand account of how truly difficult long-distance relationships are, as told through your journal entries.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader
Comments: 15
Kudos: 66





	Entry #129 (Kuroo x Reader)

**Author's Note:**

> this is the third piece i wrote for my angstvember event on tumblr! feel free to follow me there (@kuroolongtea) where i'm more active for more content c:

You’ve always been a creature of habit.

There’s nothing else you’d rather have than a solid routine, where everything is comfortable, familiar, and leaves no room for unpredictable mishaps to occur.

Your favorite routine over the past year or so since starting university has always been the one you follow at night before bed: you brush your teeth, call your boyfriend, and write in your journal before you go to sleep—it’s the perfect way to wrap up a long day at school and unwind.

But for the past two months, one of those things in your routine has been anything but consistent—and it’s not brushing your teeth or journaling.

Kuroo—your boyfriend, best friend, partner-in-crime, high school sweetheart, ~~little~~ big rooster head—has been delaying your evening calls and flaking on you altogether more often than you’d like.

In fact, you two haven’t even really talked for a couple of _weeks_ now.

Even texting him throughout the day feels more dry and unresponsive than you’re accustomed to, but you know he’s been busy with school and extracurriculars, just like you’ve been.

You fully understand that it’s not his fault, but you can’t help but miss him.

When you two swore that long-distance wouldn’t be a problem upon first entering different universities, you had no idea how _truly_ difficult it would be.

Kuroo has been your other half for years now, and has also been one of the only things that remained constant in your life; anywhere he was, felt like home to you, somewhere you felt safe.

And yet, recently, the only thing he’s been consistent about was being inconsistent.

But tonight is the night you want to fix that.

You’ve always had a fear of confrontation, which was one of the reasons why it was so easy to be with Kuroo; you two never really disagreed on much, and, when you did, he was always patient with you, eager to work out any little bumps in your relationship.

Bringing up an issue that’s been bothering you is never easy, especially with someone you love, but Kuroo has taught you that that’s what relationships are about—fixing the things that are going wrong and navigating through them _together_.

Yes, tonight is the night you’ll talk to Kuroo about how you’ve been feeling lately, and how his neglect—though most likely unintentional—has been on your mind for a while. It makes you a bit nervous to think about, but you know he cares for you, and he’ll understand where you’re coming from.

… But it’s too bad he keeps pushing your call back.

Your phone buzzes and you inhale sharply, wondering if Kuroo is finally ready to call.

> [1 New Message — 23:17]  
>  **Kuroo** : sorry babe, give me like 30 more minutes? friends still haven’t left yet but i think they’ll head out soon

You frown slightly, and type a response.

> [23:18]  
>  **You** : okayy, just let me know

This really isn’t helping his case.

Sighing, you stand up from your desk chair and take your laptop, your journal, and a pen, and walk over to your bed. You don’t like doing things in your night routine out of order, but these days it’s just been more efficient to write your daily journal entry while waiting for Kuroo to call.

Although you always enjoy journaling about what you and Kuroo talked about during your calls, you suppose you don’t _always_ have to do that _right_ before bed.

Setting your laptop—open, in case he calls any minute—down on your mattress, you lean against the wall and flip open the little notebook that’s rested upon your blanketed legs.

You’d started this new journal about half a year ago after finishing your previous notebook, each page filled with scribbles of your thoughts and summaries of your days. It’s been a while since you last looked through your old entries, so you decide to skim through some of them while you wait for Kuroo.

Your fingers flip mindlessly through the pages, and you gloss over your writing, subconsciously focusing on the last parts of each entry where you talk about the conversations between you and your boyfriend.

> **Entry #47** — 23:40
> 
> _“… earlier kuroo told me about some new friends he made from a group project he did for his economics class. he said there were two girls and two other guys, and that they’re all really cool! apparently one of the girls asked him if he wanted to grab dinner some time but he had to tell her he was already in a relationship ㅠ ㅠ i felt bad for her when kuroo was telling me about it, but then i jokingly said that no one can blame her for thinking he was single—after all, he does_ not _look like he could pull anyone hahah (he told me to shut up, then pointed out that i am, in fact, the one dating him. touche.)_
> 
> _truthfully speaking though, i’m a little envious of all these people at kuroo’s school that can just spend time with him whenever they want. that they don’t have to wait an entire day just to catch a glimpse of him through a shitty webcam._
> 
> _i’m glad he’s having a good time at university though; looks like the transition won’t be that bad after all. i hope he gets to know these new friends a little better and that he has fun!”_

You grin to yourself, remembering this exact conversation. There was always something so funny about the way Kuroo’s face would scrunch up whenever he told you to shut up. It would never not be a good time teasing him.

> **Entry #71** — 23:21
> 
> _“… but i’m kind of sad that kuroo blew me off today. it’s the first time he’s cancelled our call on such short notice since we started doing long-distance, and i was really looking forward to seeing him after a bit of a rough day. i’m not mad or anything, and i completely understand that he’s busy, but i still can’t help feeling a bit disappointed, y’know? i hope he doesn’t stay up too late and can get some rest tonight…”_

You exhale a minty breath—still fresh from brushing your teeth earlier—and continue flipping.

> **Entry #93** — 02:39
> 
> _“… oh man, i’m exhausted so i should probably sleep soon. i had a long school day, but it was fun celebrating my birthday with my friends after; kuroo begged me to wait for him just a little longer earlier because he needed to finish some stuff for his club. i mean, i did, of course, otherwise i wouldn’t still be awake at almost 3am when i have a freakin’ exam tomorrow… hopefully i’ll be fine. i feel like i’m going to pass out, but i’m really happy i got to see him and hear ‘happy birthday’ in his voice.”_

You cringe a little after reading this journal entry, your handwriting barely legible from how tired you were. You did not, in fact, do very well on that exam.

> **Entry #104** — 00:12
> 
> _“… kuroo looked soooo tired today. i felt so bad. i did most of the talking since he seemed pretty out of it, and he just wasn’t being very responsive. i hope he feels better tomorrow, but i’m glad we got to catch up, even if it was for a little bit. i guess i should head to bed too… good night”_

Your lips press together into a firm line as your fingers continue flicking through the pages, reaching your entry from the night before.

> **Entry #128** — 01:01
> 
> _“… i know it’s already been a couple of weeks since kuroo and i last called, but he blew me off again today. i don’t even know what he’s up to these days except that he’s busy, and sometimes i wonder if we’re even in a relationship. okay, it’s not_ that _serious, but it’s definitely been bugging me. i mean, given i’ve been stressed too, but i had another nightmare last night that kuroo told me he didn’t love me anymore and i woke up crying… like, seriously? this must be really getting to my head… maybe i should talk to him about it tomorrow if i can…”_

You blink at the last sentence you’d written last night.

Looks like you’ll be making good on your word—after all, you _have_ decided to talk to your boyfriend about this big weight on your chest.

And, as if on cue, the video call ringtone you know so well resonates through your laptop speakers, the words, “Incoming Call: Kuroo” displaying themselves across your screen.

Your heart almost skips a beat as you immediately put down your pen and journal, quickly fixing your hair before you pick up the call.

You press the green “Accept” button, and your boyfriend’s face appears on your screen immediately, the light of his computer illuminating his face in the dim room.

“Hi baby,” you greet him with a grin and a tiny wave. “I missed you! How’ve you been?”

Kuroo gives you a small, tired smile in response, and your heart aches a little—he looks exhausted.

“I’ve been okay,” he says, rubbing his eyes. “Could be better, but I’ve just been really busy with school and everything.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” you frown. “Have you been getting enough sleep?”

“I do like half the time maybe,” he sighs and runs his hands through his messy black hair. You wish you could be there to touch it and comfort him. “The other half is not so fun.”

You pout at this, then chuckle, “I’ll send you a lifetime supply of coffee if you need it.”

“Thanks, I’ll keep an eye out.” Though it’s small, you can still make out a faint smile on Kuroo’s face in the dark. “What about you? How have you been lately?”

“Um…” you start, thinking about how to segue into what you wanted to talk to him about. “I think I could be better too.”

He blinks at you. “How come?”

“Okay, hear me out,” you say, taking a deep breath as Kuroo waits for you to continue. You’re not sure if you’re imagining it, but he looks even more tired than before. You hope the rest of the conversation will go smoothly, and that he’ll take it well so you two can work through it.

Here goes nothing.

“I know you’ve been really busy and really stressed these days, but lately I feel like my efforts aren’t being reciprocated as much as I’d like, I guess.” The little rise in intonation at the end of your sentence makes it sound more like a question than a statement.

“I always stay up late to see you even though I don’t have to, and I know it’s not your fault or responsibility what I choose to do,” you admit, slightly nervous to look at him for fear of how he’d react. “But when you get busy, I don’t hear from you for literally days, sometimes weeks on end without warning.”

Kuroo gives you a small nod, indicating that he’s listening, but the fatigue in his eyes makes you waver. You feel so guilty for bringing this up with him when he’s got enough to worry about already—but it’s too late to turn back.

“And usually we know everything about each other, but lately I feel like… an outsider,” you mumble. You think you hear your voice tremble a bit at the end. “I don’t know if I’m imagining it but it feels like there’s a lot of distance between us these days.”

“It’s just been on my mind a lot so I wanted to talk about it with you,” you finish, looking back up at him. “What do you think?”

Kuroo is silent for a bit, his expression unreadable.

“Er… okay, let’s talk about it,” he finally says, bringing his hand up to scratch the back of his neck.

Is that it?

“Okay… well,” you begin, unsure of where to steer the conversation now that the ball is _somehow_ back in your court again. “How do _you_ feel about how our relationship has been in general over the past two months?”

“I mean, I thought it was fine,” he shrugs. You know he’s not trying to piss you off, but you can’t help but feel bothered by his apathy, despite knowing that he’s just drained and probably wants to rest.

“Okay, but that’s kind of the problem,” you murmur, eyes fixed on the grainy image of him on your screen. “Because what I’m trying to say is that it hasn’t really been feeling fine.”

“Which parts haven’t been fine?” His voice is on the cusp of fatigue and exhaustion.

“Um…” you hesitate, feeling torn between your frustration towards him and sympathy for him. “I kind of mentioned it just now, but it’s making me really sad that I literally don’t know anything about what’s happening in your life, and you don’t really tell me anything either.”

You pause, and continue. “I feel like you’re so busy all the time—either with school or with friends—that I barely see you… even though you’re supposed to be my boyfriend.”

You’re not sure why, but the second half of that sentence makes you almost want to cry.

“Yeah, I know,” Kuroo says after you finish, running both his hands through his hair again. “And I’m sorry, it’s just been… a lot.”

Your face softens.

“I get that,” you say gently. “I hate seeing you so tired and stressed all the time too; I didn’t want to make things worse for you, but this has just been bothering me a lot no matter how hard I try not to think about it.”

Kuroo is quiet. He looks up and props a chin on his crossed arms, his expression unreadable as he stares at you through almost half-lidded eyes.

You two sit in an odd silence that feels painfully long, and you wonder what’s going on in his head.

“What do you think?” you ask quietly. “Is there something we could possibly do about it?”

It takes Kuroo a long time to respond, and you know he’s thinking hard. He’s mulling over something serious, because he’s never been the type to spend too much time lingering on one problem.

It makes you apprehensive. Uneasy. Afraid.

But then, he finally says something. Although, maybe you wish he didn’t.

“We could take a break.”

Wait.

What?

“Huh?”

Did you hear that correctly?

There’s no way he just said what you think he said… right?

“W-what?” you stammer.

There’s no other way to explain why Kuroo can’t bring himself to look at you, the person whose face he knew like the back of his hand, whose lips he used to kiss like oxygen for someone who couldn’t breathe.

You’re feeling a jumble of mixed emotions, fumbling and stirring around in your head so quickly that you’re unsure which one you should unpack first.

“Are you serious?” you ask him, but he doesn’t answer. At this point, it’s unclear whether he’s thinking about what to say, or if he knows what to say, but wants to give you some time to process what’s happening first.

Does he even realize that you _don’t_ want to break up? That it was never your original intention when you brought up the issue with him? That you weren’t even mad at him?

You just missed him, that’s all. So why, why the _fuck_ would he say something like that? Where did that even come from?

Does he not realize how much it would hurt you that he’d even think that?

“Kuroo… that wasn’t what I meant,” you say as calmly as you can, though your words are still laced with a sadness that is on the brink of panic. “I was just sad that I don’t get to see you these days, but I would _never_ suggest that we break up—you know I love you, right?”

“I know,” he replies softly. You search his eyes for any indication that he’ll take back his suggestion, but you don’t find it. “But I’ve just got so much on my plate, and clearly it’s not affecting you in a good way either—I think we both know that long-distance is way harder than we initially thought.”

“And we said we’d try it _together_ ,” you almost cry. “There’s nothing we can’t make work if we both try, right?”

“That’s what I thought too,” Kuroo sighs. “But it’s obvious now that the distance isn’t good for you, and I don’t like it when you always have to stay up late to talk to me either—I’m just making things worse than they need to be.”

“What could be worse than losing my best friend if we break up?” you croak, eyes glazed with threatening tears. “This isn’t what I wanted—it’s not what I meant.”

“I think us taking a break would be good for both of us,” he whispers, as if he’d shatter your heart of glass completely if he spoke any louder. “And… I think you deserve better.”

The bubble of a cry you’ve been choking back this whole time finally bursts, as frustrated tears stream down your face.

You want to talk him out of it.

You desperately want to convince him that breaking up was never your intention, that you never blamed him, that you want him to stay more than _anything_.

But then, it hits you.

“How long have you been thinking about this?” you ask, brushing away at the wetness on your cheeks with the back of your hand. “Be honest.”

Kuroo stiffens, and you can read him like a book. It’s not like you’ve been with him all this time for nothing.

His hesitation is all you need to hear, and you bury your head in your hands before he can see your face contort in anguish.

Knowing him, he’s probably been thinking about ending things for a while now, weighing all the pros and cons, thinking about all the ways he should bring it up with you.

Thinking about how it would hurt you the least.

Because even in a situation like this, he loves and cares about you. You would never doubt that.

“I’m sorry,” you hear his voice through your laptop speakers, though you’re unable to look up at him. You don’t want him to see how devastated you are. “I love you.”

Why the fuck would he say something like that right now? Like he isn’t the one who just completely blind-sided you with an enormous amount of pain?

The worst part is perhaps hearing him say something as intimate as “I love you,” but the words feeling more cold and distant than ever.

You know, or at least, you _hope_ , that he means it. Who knows at what point in time he started meaning it less and less? Who knows.

“I love you too,” you manage to say, though the aching in your chest increases tenfold once the words leave your mouth. The hot tears never seem to stop flowing from your eyes, and both of your hands are already wet from continuously trying to wipe them away.

“I really do love you,” you hear his voice again. “But I just don’t think now is a good time for us.”

He pauses.

“I’m sorry.”

For Kuroo’s sake, you gather every ounce of willpower you can find in your body, and pull yourself together to look at him.

He’s eyeing you, though you think you can detect a slight redness in his eyes too; maybe he also teared up a little bit when you weren’t looking, or he’s just sleep-deprived. You’ll never know.

“Are you gonna be okay?” Kuroo asks you hesitantly, watching you with what seems like a combination of tenderness, concern, and regret. “Be honest.”

You can’t help but laugh a little at his quoting of your words from earlier, though, given this isn’t exactly the best time for laughter.

“Yeah,” you sniffle with bloodshot eyes. “Are you?”

“Maybe,” he shrugs with a small, gentle smile. “Who knows.”

“When do you think we’ll talk again?” you ask, cringing at your lack of self-control.

“I don’t know, but maybe some distance will be good for us.”

You take a sharp breath. “Okay then.”

“Okay,” Kuroo echoes. “I’m gonna hang up now—take care of yourself, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good night,” he says with a tone you’ve heard a million times before.

“G’night,” you respond, and the next sentence rolls off your tongue without you even realizing. “I love you.”

“I know.”

You take another breath, hoping not to break down in tears before he ends the call.

“Bye,” you say with a little wave, and your boyfriend—no, _ex_ -boyfriend—waves back before the video call window closes itself and you’re face-to-face with your desktop wallpaper again.

Although you don’t want to, you’re unable to stop yourself from breaking down into tears once more.

This time, you can cry with no restraints, without worrying about how much it’ll hurt Kuroo to see you like this.

The lump in your throat feels suffocating, but nothing makes it go away—not the wailing, not the whimpering, not the digging your nails into your blankets. Nothing.

There’s always a particular type of gut-wrenching, pitiful sadness in sobbing alone at night that remains unmatched.

After a few minutes, you pull yourself up from the little puddle you’d melted into, and flip open your journal to the page you were supposed to write in tonight.

Picking up your pen with shaking hands, you scrawl a single sentence as two teardrops plop onto the paper, dampening it and smearing the ink.

> **Entry #129** — 00:40
> 
> _“he ended things today.”_

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! comments are greatly appreciated, and thank you for reading ♡


End file.
